Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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