Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
