There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
