hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Bring me that man meat
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
