i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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