I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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