Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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