guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Randomize
