the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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