Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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