He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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