i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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