haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
