I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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