Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
