I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
