Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
