I wish my penis had an off switch
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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