I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
