Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
