I want to make a zoo with you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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