Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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