last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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