Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
