His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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