saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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