I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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