Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
