After last night, I could never be a politician.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
