Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
