cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
