He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
