i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he fucked my hip out of place.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
