Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
