Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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