Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
