I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
