hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
