god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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