my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
