I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
