we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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