How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
