i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
