so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The power of my boobs compel you
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
