just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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