So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
