Please, let me fuck your mom
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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