I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize