I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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