it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
