my phone needs a breathalizer
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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