People in love make me want to vomit
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
