My pussy is not your playground.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
