I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
