I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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