i'm lost and i look like a hooker
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
tell me about the fingering
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