my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I love you. Go after that dick
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
