I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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