I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
