Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize